Okay Scouts! Pay Attention! Scott has “let me out of my cage” to rant a little again… This time, it’s on being spammed by Affiliate Networks (the scummy ones). He won’t let me name names and call out a few specifically. Seems that the legal types don’t like that (lawyers are evil too)….
But I’ve received a TON of craptastic affiliate network “Come Join Us” emails in the past couple weeks and they’re disturbingly the same. As in total spam. So I’m reprinting one here (guilty parties names removed to hide their stupidity) and vent/rant on just what’s wrong with it so maybe someone at a network will be educated a little…..
The original email is in italics and my comments are in BOLD (because what I say is important and you should pay attention).
From emailservice@domainsbyproxy.com
SO, SENDING ME AN EMAIL FROM ONE OF MY DOMAIN REGISTRATIONS… STUPID, YOUR JUST SPAMMING.
Hi There J
MY NAME ISN’T J, NEITHER ARE ANY OF MY INITIALS, NOR THE DOMAIN NAME. TOMMY LEE JONES (J IN MEN IN BLACK) ISN’T HERE EITHER. JACK MAY BE HERE BUT YOU’VE PROVEN THAT YOU DON’T KNOW JACK ANYWAY.
This is (NO CLUE NETWORK DUDE/DUDETTE) from (A NETWORK NOT TO BE NAMED), a (INSERT MEANINGLESS ADJATIVE HERE) affiliate network. I noticed your site specializes in web-based marketing (LIAR! IF YOU WERE AT ANY OF MY WEBSITES THERE ARE CONTACT FORMS, EMAIL ADDY ON THE TOS AND PRIVACY STATEMENTS. BUT YOU LOOKED UP THE SITE WITH WHOIS AND BLINDLY EMAILED THAT EMAIL ADDY). AND NO, IT DOESN’T COVER WEB-BASED MARKETING. I PROMOTE AFFILIATE OFFERS TO PEOPLE. Here at (A NETWORK NOT TO BE NAMED), we have many exclusive campaigns that aren’t available anywhere else. (DROPPED A WHOLE SENTENCE IT WAS SO SILLY).
We also offer a very generous affiliate referral program, where you earn (A STUPIDLY SMALL COMMISSION) lifetime earnings (CAN YOU SAY REBILL) for every active affiliate you recruit.
WHY WOULD I RECRUIT AFFILIATES (I.E. COMPETITION) FOR A NETWORK WHEN I CAN MAKE MORE MONEY JUST PROMOTING ONE OFFER IN MY NICHES???? MY SITES HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH RECRUITING AFFILIATES.. THAT’S AN AFFILIATE MANAGERS JOB. MY JOB AS AN AFFILIATE IS TO PRODUCE FOR THE PROGRAMS I PROMOTE!
Your site seems like it would be a great fit for our network of offers (WHY? SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY GOT AN EMAIL ADDY FROM A WHOIS CRAWLER AND NEVER VISITED ANY OF MY SITES), so I encourage you to sign up by going to (A CRAPPY NETWORK THAT WON’T BE NAMED’S ADDRESS). We are very aggressive with pricing on our campaigns (PRICE FOR CAMPAIGNS? OH YEAH, RIGHT, YOU DON’T KNOW IF I’M A MERCHANT OR AFFILIATE SO YOUR GONNA COVER YOUR BASES), and we pay our affiliates on a net 30 basis, but as we build a relationship this can be adjusted.
OKAY, NO INFO ON NICHES, TYPES OF OFFERS, WHY YOUR DIFFERENT THAN ANY OTHER NETWORK. AND YOUR PROUD THAT YOU PAY NET-30??? SO FAR THERE IS NOTHING TO ENTICE ME TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN DROP YOUR DOMAIN INTO MY “DELETE AS SPAM” FILTER AND IGNORE YOU.
In order to have your account approved quickly by our compliance team (NOW THERE’S AN ASSUMPTIVE CLOSE), please mention that you were referred by (SOME IDIOT).
If you have any questions, I’d be happy to answer them.
THEN THEY PUT SINCERELY, NAME, ETC. AND THE LETTER IS OVER. AND SO HERE’S MY FINAL THOUGHTS ON THIS EMAIL (AND THE 20 OTHERS JUST LIKE IT I RECEIVE EVERY WEEK).
Quit being stupid! Lying to me won’t get me to sign up to your network. If you said that you just did a whois search for every domain name with the word “widget” in it because your network specializes in “widget affiliate programs” then I’d read your email. At least that’s honest. But telling me you looked over one of my sites when it’s obvious that you didn’t insults my intelligence. And I’m not stupid.
Tell me what makes you different! If your no different that the other 900+ networks out there then tell me what’s different. Better reporting? Better pay cycles? If your offers are so exclusive and good then what are a couple of them? Every single network says they’re cool, they’ve got quality compliance, that their offers are high paying and exclusive. IT DON’T MEAN JACK IF YOU DON’T BACK UP YOUR CLAIMS!
Guess what? Affiliates don’t want alot. It doesn’t take much for us to give a new network a try. But the two things you’ve got to be is to be honest, and be different. Saying your “exclusive” have “high paying” and “high converting” offers makes you just like everyone else. Now, if your going to have conference calls about specific programs once a month… I’m sold. You specialize in blogsite, coupons, e-store, etc. instead of being generalized.. I’m sold. Your program managers are required to physically call every affiliate four times a year to touch base… I’m sold.
Act like a spammer? I’m not only not sold.. I’m gonna badmouth you to every affiliate I every communicate with.
(doug52 is an active participant in the AffSpot Performance Marketing Affiliate Forum, Curmudgeon, and a general malcontent that has made his living in Affiliate Marketing for over 10 years. His opinions are his own and not necessarily those of AffSpot.)
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